mondays should just be called national damage control day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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