Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
