you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
