They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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