saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
