I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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