Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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