my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
