I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
