Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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