That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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