seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
