i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
