i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do vagina's smell?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
