How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
