When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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