i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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