I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
