Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
