I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
