I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
