You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
