dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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