Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
