Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
