i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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