My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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