shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize