I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
