i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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