Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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