it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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