you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
