you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
