the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize