chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
