a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
