i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
