sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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