it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just want nice things and good sex
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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