Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
