I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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