I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
