I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
