You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
