we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
