dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
