how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
