____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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