Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
