yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
