my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there was a trapeze. enough said
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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