I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
