I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
