I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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