dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
