My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Boobs speak an international language.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
