I accidentally had phone sex last night
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
