Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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