The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
