mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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