Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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